I started a new cycle yesterday. To tell you the truth, I have mixed feelings about it this time.
See, for as much as I want this fight to be over, I was hesitant about having a December due date again. A dear friend of mine told me that if it happened, to take it as a good thing--a chance for joy to come in where there has previously been pain. And she was absolutely right. But that would have taken some time, and until that happened I could see myself having a lot of anxiety.
Of course, it didn't happen. I honestly have a lot more hope for this new cycle than I did for the last one. The cycle after I tried the shots the first time I had a chemical pregnancy. Obvious ovulation signs. Increased CM to the point where I was a little confused. Ovulation/implantation spotting. I did the shots last cycle and I had obvious ovulation signs again. Good CM. Lots of symptoms during my LP. Similar to the first time on the shots.
In my head, it makes sense to me that this cycle will be "it". But I feel like I am setting myself up for a whole lot of heartache by even having those thoughts.
To me that is the hardest thing about TTC. Not having the privilege of just hoping like a normal person. Because a little disappointment never hurt anyone. Being disappointed the same exact way so many times that you've lost count? That changes you. Significantly.
I'm not really in a bad place right now. I'm just tired. I'm sick of it. But my choices are to keep trying or to just give up. So...what exactly am I supposed to do?
I'm just telling it like it is. It's just the facts of what I'm dealing with. It's not to bitch and moan or complain. It's just...This is my reality. This is my every day, every month choice. And I truthfully don't know how many times I can make it.