Saturday, April 19, 2014

Maybe This Time

I started a new cycle yesterday. To tell you the truth,  I have mixed feelings about it this time.

See, for as much as I want this fight to be over, I was hesitant about having a December due date again. A dear friend of mine told me that if it happened, to take it as a good thing--a chance for joy to come in where there has previously been pain. And she was absolutely right. But that would have taken some time, and until that happened I could see myself having a lot of anxiety.

Of course, it didn't happen. I honestly have a lot more hope for this new cycle than I did for the last one. The cycle after I tried the shots the first time I had a chemical pregnancy. Obvious ovulation signs. Increased CM to the point where I was a little confused. Ovulation/implantation spotting. I did the shots last cycle and I had obvious ovulation signs again. Good CM. Lots of symptoms during my LP. Similar to the first time on the shots.

In my head, it makes sense to me that this cycle will be "it". But I feel like I am setting myself up for a whole lot of heartache by even having those thoughts.

To me that is the hardest thing about TTC. Not having the privilege of just hoping like a normal person. Because a little disappointment never hurt anyone. Being disappointed the same exact way so many times that you've lost count? That changes you. Significantly.

I'm not really in a bad place right now. I'm just tired. I'm sick of it. But my choices are to keep trying or to just give up. So...what exactly am I supposed to do?

I'm just telling it like it is. It's just the facts of what I'm dealing with. It's not to bitch and moan or complain. It's just...This is my reality. This is my every day, every month choice. And I truthfully don't know how many times I can make it.

2 comments:

  1. This is in no way a bitching or moaning post. If struggling to concieve was rainbows and butterflies for you or anyone else I'd be shocked. It's a hard process, wears you down, putting on a brave face for others who may get what they wanted. Dealing with others who try to assert they understand the journey when they really don't. Having AF just be such a knife to the heart. Feeling so alone in the process and feeling the daunting task of having to pick yourself up off the ground with every cycle that comes and goes. Girl you've done an amazing job thus far and it's not easy. I truthfully feel you deserve a medal. No one should ever, ever have to know this pain and the physical and mental anguish that follows with it. I appreciate your candor because sometimes it's not easy to just say it like it is and put it out there.

    It's tough and you're one tough cookie but it's okay to admit when the process is just getting to you. I know you'll keep fighting but I want to let you know you and others in your shoes are inspirations for the lengths people will go to get this dream to come true. Showing your devotion to the process is inspirational. I hope for you and Schelby all the time that your day will come, and I know it's of little comfort but do know that you're always in my thoughts!

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  2. Thank you Amanda. Your words are always such an encouragement! I know that you know this, but just feeling validated by someone else is amazing. So often we get advice, suggestions and platitudes that just don't validate the struggle, and its especially hard when it comes from someone who doesn't understand what it's like. It helps hearing from those who have been there and have a heart for the ones who still struggle.

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