Cycle 17

Well, I guess it goes without saying that I've moved on to Cycle 17.

Surprisingly, I'm not upset. At this point, it's expected. I didn't even have any real reason to think I might be pregnant.

One thing has changed, though. Chris and I decided that if we don't succeed this cycle, we are going to go to the doctor. A couple of months ago I had decided to wait until June. But ever since that decision, it's become more and more obvious that what we are doing just isn't working and that we need help.

Right now, since it seems so far away, I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand, it's really depressing that we can't do it ourselves. On the other, it makes everything a little more hopeful. And on yet another...it makes me afraid of what is to come. How far will we have to go?

Nobody ever warned me that this could happen. My mom never had trouble, my sister hasn't had trouble, my grandmothers never had trouble. But somehow, here I am.

Of course, it could always be Chris. People keep reminding me of that. And I guess we'll just have to see.

But when we first started out, this very situation lurked in the back of my mind. Like I knew deep down that it wouldn't be all that easy. And now, with every person who reminds me that it could be Chris with the problem...I think it's me. I don't know if people can just know these things, but I feel like I do.

And it could be an easy fix. Or not.

But either way, I just do not think that this journey is close to being over. It's this nagging feeling that I can't shake, no matter how I try to "de-stress" or ignore it or drown it out with positive thinking.

I feel really resigned right now. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. It could be stress related---we just got a mountain of crappy news in the last couple of days. But either way, it has me a little bit down about everything.