Tuesday, February 2, 2016

February | My Self-Love Month

Hey guys! Month 2 of 2016 is here and I am loving how things are starting out!

If you remember, I decided to take a "small bites" and month to month approach to my goals and intentions for this year. In January my main intention was to just let my ideas percolate and find some direction for myself. And you know, I'm so glad that I did!

I listened to some super inspiring calls about the emotional side of fertility, an amazing podcast on miscarriage and what we can do for our bodies in regards to that, I upgraded my camera lenses and got to do my nephew's 6 month photos. And my husband and I were able to complete two projects that had been weighing on us as well--our roof got replaced and we paid off a credit card that we had been working on. It was a really productive month!

So for February, my focus is self love!

  • I am committing to yoga daily (Yoga with Adriene is my favorite right now)


  • I am committing to journaling daily (I'm using prompts from one of the podcasts I mentioned)


  • We are gluten and dairy free for the month (possibly longer!) This is something I've wanted to do for a long time and just never had the gumption to do it. 
So those are my intentions for this month! Its all about loving on myself by taking care of my body and soul! 

What are your intentions for this month?


Wednesday, January 13, 2016

january

how can it already be two weeks into january? it's unreal. 

so this space of mine has been neglected lately. i have something like five drafts started that i haven't been able to finish. but that's because life has a way of getting in the way. so here's where we are...
  • i upgraded to a new lens for my camera. i designed some wedding invitations. and i'm putting together my own version of photography school with some courses by photography concentrate (love love them!). i have two engagement sessions and a wedding in the next 8-10 weeks. and my nephew turns 6 months so i'll be doing his milestones pictures at some point too. so there's all that.
  • iui #5 is on hold for the moment while we do some tweaking to our diet and decide what to do about meds and doctors. it's fun and exciting stuff, let me tell you.  
  • i'm looking into a real-food diet for our furbabies. i've been happy with their food but i'm exploring other options.
  • we have outings with friends the next three weekends to look forward to, as well as work finally starting on our roof. 
so that's what life looks like for us right now! busy and vibrant, which is something i wanted for us. it's easy to let your life taken second to infertility and i was just kind of over that. and having a creative outlet is amazing. i feel so much better for it! i didn't really make any resolutions this year--my follow through is terrible and i decided to take my goals on a month to month basis for awhile. so far i'm doing pretty well and i really like the approach. ut its only been two weeks so we'll see!

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Looking Forward | Looking Back

Can I just take a minute and say "we made it"? Christmas was hard for me. I more or less just hunkered down and got through it. I found joyful moments along the way, but there were lots of tears too--including a total meltdown in my kitchen a few days before Christmas (thank you Private Practice), and another the other day when AF arrived. So here's to us getting through another year. And maybe next year will look different.

I say that every year. Maybe things will be different. And every year I celebrate a bittersweet New Years Eve, because the biggest change I was hoping for never came to be.

Today is no exception. Without a doubt, good things happened for us this year. But we're still stuck in this awkward stage of life, still waiting, still trying. And that hurts. Its frustrating. It feels like we're never going to end up where we want to be.

Still, its impossible to not feel hopeful today, because tomorrow begins a whole year of new opportunities and possibility.

Wherever you find yourself tonight (celebrating or not so much) I wish you all good things in 2016. If you're in the trenches with me, I hope for the strength to get through one more year of this awful battle. Its a hard, hard thing that we're doing and I know how tempting it is to give up. Let's kick 2016's ass, shall we?

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Merry Christmas


Just popping in to say Merry Christmas (a day late but whatev) and that I hope you all are having a great weekend! Our Christmas celebrations are done and we'll be back to normal soon--honestly, I can't wait!


Wednesday, December 2, 2015

You have kids, don't you?

The question was asked as though it was a given. I had a reason to focus elsewhere--on my job--so I didn't look up when I answered.

No. No, I don't.

The person muttered something to the effect of "I thought you did. I must be mistaken" and went on their way.

Back to the chatter about Elf on the Shelf, lists for Santa and the fact that the grandparents beat the parents to the "best gift" this year. And silently dying on the inside, on my part.

My tree stands in my living room, undecorated other than the lights and the star. I think it might stay that way, because I'm feeling a little bit like Scrooge this year.

I'm on my period. There will be no announcement for our family--again. No cute little one on the card. Just us--even though it is a damn good picture.

Every year it's like this and every year my hope and wish and prayer is that the next one is different. And so far, I've only been disappointed.

That's not to say that good things haven’t happened, or that I've lost sight of what I do have. It's just that sometimes, the hurt of being infertile at Christmas is beyond what counting your blessings and spoiling your nieces and nephews can touch. That's just the way it is, and if it wasn't, we wouldn't have 59 1/2 articles telling you to do those things as a way to cope.

Tonight, that's where I am. In that dark place. Tomorrow I'll claw my way out, plaster on the smile and bring a book to bury my nose in for awhile. And I'll be okay, because that's what you do. But for a little while, my walls are down.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Thankful

With today being Thanksgiving Eve, I thought I would share the things I'm thankful for this year! I'll be honest--this year has been easier than the last two. In 2013, my due date was fast approaching (December 13th), and in 2014 I had just lost my second baby (October 30th) and my grandfather in July.

This year, my heart still hurts. I still struggle with empty arms, the passing of another year trying, and the fact that we're spending another Christmas without children--or even the promise of a baby. That's hard. It makes it really difficult to be thankful. But that's exactly why I'm posting, because I don’t want infertility to win!

So here is my list. It's certainly not all-inclusive, but it's a good representation. 

  • My husband. He has been my rock. Super cheesy, I know, but he is the person that keeps me grounded and helps me stay realistic (like when I decided we were going to get passports, tickets and jet off to Europe in a month's time. He reminded me that we have the opportunity to be debt free if we didn't do that AND we could spend more on the trip if we waited). He is incredibly supportive. He works hard. He makes me laugh. When he loves on our furbabies? Be still my heart. He's going to be such a good dad. (Hopefully sooner rather than later) And the man can cook! And he vacuums! 
  • The furbabies. Jaye and Kinley are the best. Even when they make me crazy, I feel their unconditional love every single day. Their snuggles make everything better, and they make me laugh daily. 
  • Our family and friends. Their support and encouragement has been invaluable. 
  • Our nieces and nephew. Those kids are the best and watching them grow is amazing! 
  • Our jobs. We're fortunate to work for companies and managers that are understandable and flexible. And to have coworkers that are great fun to work with!
  • Our home. Our favorite corner of the world. 
  • The fact that we're really close to being debt free (apart from our house)! We don't have a lot if debt but we don't want any so what we have is really grating on us. 
  • The infertility community. There is so much love and support from this group and I'm proud to be apart of it! In a situation that can feel so isolating, it is very comforting to have women that understand! 
  • The little things. The latest episode of The Walking Dead with my husband. Laughing until our sides ache at the antics of the British Top Gear guys. Discovering a new author I love. Journaling. Snuggling with my little family on a weekend morning. Chai Apple Cider. Chocolate. Making a new recipe and have it be a hit. My new candle from Target (Autumn Harvest or something like that. It smells wonderful, that's all I know!) Lunch with a friend. The sky on my way to work. 
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? 

Friday, November 13, 2015

Authenticity in Infertility {Guest Post}

Hey! I'm guest posting over at Amateur Nester today talking about remaining authentic and honoring your limitations during fertility treatment. Have a look below!

PC: Amateur Nester & Boss Fight
My story is pretty typical. Girl meets boy, girl and boy tie the knot, and a few years later…it’s time to have a baby. And that’s where we got stuck. In 2011, when I went off the pill, the idea that we would still be trying after nearly four years wasn’t on my radar. And the idea that we would be talking about stopping treatment? Well, that was unthinkable. As it is, that is exactly where we’ve ended up. When I look back at the last few years, I get the sense of it being a battlefield. My dreams, hopes and plans are strewn about—stomped on and broken. I’m still standing, but I’m exhausted and bruised. And I have to wonder, where do we go from here?

{Read More Here}

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Hello November

And just like that, October is gone. Yikes. Where on earth did time go this year? I could swear time is going by faster and faster.

We got our holiday hours for my job, information about the Christmas party, and I'm talking to my sister about getting here the weekend before Thanksgiving to go dress shopping for her wedding in September. Because suddenly we have a time crunch that none of us anticipated. But that's a whole other post. Long story short, the holiday season is already here, and 2016 is just around the corner. Like I said. Faster and faster.

Have an amazing rest of your weekend everyone!


Thursday, October 29, 2015

To My October Baby

To my October baby:

A year ago, two pink lines and a blood test told me that you were here. 

A year ago I was counting the days until I could see you on the ultrasound screen, feel you kick, give you a name, and hold you in my arms. 

A year ago, I was grateful to be exhausted and overjoyed when my taste buds didn't seem to work right. 

A year ago I was picturing what you would look like and be like. I had visions of your first Christmas and how awesome it would be if you and your daddy shared a birthday. 

A year ago I was thinking about how different life would be in a year. 

I wasn't wrong. Life is different, but not the way I pictured. 

I was never able to see you dance on the screen, or feel you move, give you a name, or hold you in my arms. 

My symptoms faded and I started to feel normal. 

Your daddy's birthday came and went, and as Christmas comes it just feels wrong without you. 

For reasons that I will never understand, I had to let you go. I will never forget that day, as your daddy cried on the phone with his best friend, your "uncle". He wanted you so badly, just like I did. A year later, I miss you. I want you here. I wanted to be your mommy. 

I loved you before I even knew you existed. I wanted you before you were here. And I'll miss you for the rest of my life. I hate that I never got a chance to know you, to see what kind of person you would have become. I'll always wonder if you would have looked like me or daddy, and if you and Kinley would have been best friends. I hate that I don't know anything about you. But even so, I feel your absence every day. 

A year ago you were born into Heaven. At least, that's what I picture. You with your sibling--my April baby--and all your grandparents that are already there. I picture so much love there that I know that you're in a good place. But I'd still rather have you here. 

Miss you little one. 

Love,
Mommy

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Quiet

Ugh. I'm totally out of my groove with blogging lately.

Truth be told, there's not a whole lot happening. We just kind of are right now. And maybe that's a good thing.

Because no matter what happens with this part of my life, the rest of it still goes on. And I can either let it go on without me, or embrace it fully. Meeting it right where I am.

I find myself waiting. Feeling like the life I want has to wait for my fertility-challengedness to be resolved. Except that isn't true. I know it, and I need to put it into practice. Because no matter what, I still only have one life. You still only have one life. We can't waste it on waiting.