Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Update

I guess I have some updating to do! A lot has happened so far this week and I'm still trying to process it.

First of all, the new cycle started right on schedule. No funkiness, so that's good! It was also right in line with the moon so it'll be interesting to see if I stay aligned with the full moon. This is also our very last chance for a baby in 2015. That's a hard truth to swallow, let me tell you. If not, I guess the new goal would be to be pregnant before my due date in June.

So on Sunday, we were discussing our favorite topic lately: jobs. Chris has been hunting and so have I. An old coworker had texted me to ask if I would come back. Our old boss moved to another branch and she got promoted so there was an opening. I had also applied for another job through a family member but was told they would take a long time to get anything going. We were talking about that situation when I discovered that my last kid-free friend had announced her pregnancy.

I was a wreck. Like really, really bad. And then she texted me with a well intended but insensitive comment that made it even worse.

That night and all day Monday we stewed agonized about the job situation and WTH we should do. I was incredibly angry at the world and just wanted to hibernate until the universe sees fit to stop screwing us over. But I finally made my choice and contacted my old coworker/new boss. I'm going back. But if the other job turns into something I might have to consider it because it's kind of an amazing opportunity.

Yesterday I was excited about it. Today I'm kind of mad. My thought process has been like this:

I should be having a baby in June--not going back to work.
I should cancel the RE. What's the freaking point? He can't give me a 2015 baby anyway.
I have to get up early again...
I should ask for my due date off. WTF--already?
Maybe the RE will do an ultrasound and squeeze an IUI in this cycle and it'll work and be awesome....
I wouldn't get FMLA if that happened. 
Who cares?
Ugh. I guess I'm going to have to tell them about the fertility treatments. 
We're going to have to figure out a new routine.
Poor Kinley...we've both been home for so long and now we're both going to be working full time again.
Ugh. When am I going to grocery shop?
I need new clothes.
I should spend that money on an IUI instead. 

The fact that our infertility is such a big part of our decision making is really frustrating. These life decisions are being made because things aren't working out like we hoped and that is so hard! But I guess I need to put on my big girl pants and hope that this is a step towards better days. Dave Ramsey says that you have to live like no one else so you can live like no one else. Hopefully that's true and this sacrifice will make what we really want a reality!

Friday, March 20, 2015

Ryanne: A-Z

Stolen from Elena...it sounded like fun! ;)

A: Attached or Single?
Attached for almost 10 years already!

B: Best Friend...
My sister! We talk daily...sometimes more than once. Even on days when we see each other.

C: Cake or Pie? 
Depends! Let's just say the option with chocolate will always win. 

D: Day of Choice...
Whatever day my favorite show is on. No really! That's all my life has revolved around lately. #ineedsummer

E: Essential Item...
That's a toss-up between pens and hair ties. I feel naked without those. 

F: Favorite Color...
Shades of green

G: Gummy Bears or Worms?
Neither. I'm a chocoholic.

H: Hometown...
USA! 

I: Favorite Indulgence...
If I had money it would be pedis and massages. Since I don't, it's wine.

J: January or July?
July! It's my birthday AND anniversary month. January is just depressing. 

K: Kids...
Do the furry ones count?

L: Life isn't Complete Without...
Family and friends (obviously), good books, a little adventure and good wine. Not necessarily in that order. 

M: Memory You Cherish...
Our wedding day! And also: the day we met, my first (theater) show, and our 5 year anniversary trip.


N: Number of Brothers and Sisters...
3 brothers and 3 sisters! No, we aren't Catholic. No, there aren't any twins. And yes, we all have the same two parents. 

O: Oranges or Apples?
Apples!

P: Pet Peeve
People who don't appreciate parenthood, and people who don't discipline their kids. Those are my current ones. In 6 months they'll have changed. 

Q: Quotes...
Quotes are awesome! This one is in my living room:

R: Reasons to Smile...
Going to the zoo this weekend, interviews for Chris, new cycle...

S: Season of Choice...
Fall. Summer is a close second.

T: Tea or Coffee?
Neither really, but occasionally tea.

U: Unknown Fact About Me...
Not unknown, just not talked about much here. I was homeschooled all the way through my senior year.

V: Vegetable...
Asparagus

W: Worst Habit...
Biting my nails and mumbling

X: X-Ray or Ultrasound? 
Well, my single x-ray experience was more painful than my ultrasounds, but internal ultrasounds sick on principal. So I declare a draw. 

Y:  Your Favorite Trip...
St. Thomas and Virginia for our 5th anniversary in 2013

Z: Zodiac Sign...
Technically? Leo. BUT I was born on the cusp of Cancer and Leo, so I'm actually a mix of the two. Fire + Water. 





Thursday, March 19, 2015

TTC Thursday: New Moon, New Cycle

Awhile back I read about how some women have been able to sync their cycles to the moon and thought it was a cool idea, but didn't actually try to make it happen. As it happens, this month my cycle synced to the moon all on its own! I ovulated on the full moon and since early, early tomorrow morning is the new moon, I'm expecting to get my period. It has a very ancient, primal feel to it and it appeals to my inner anthropologist/historian. And for once, I don't mind AF showing up because it's just really cool.

If this is a totally new concept to you, the idea is that once upon a time, before electricity, most women would ovulate with the full moon and menstruate with the new moon. Some women would work opposite, but that way was less common. The reason for this has to do with light, gravitational pulls, and how all of that affects our hormones. It's one of those things that science hasn't quite figured out yet--not for lack of trying! Today, because we are exposed to more light than before (and so many women use birth control) our cycles are no longer in sync with the moon. It's possible to get your cycle in sync with the moon--you can read more about it here and here for more specifics!

I don't know if I believe that having my cycle synced with the moon will do anything crazy, but I'm open to the idea. And--have I said this already?--it's primal and ancient and hippie and for some reason I think it's kind of awesome.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Positives & Negatives

Today has been a much better day. Chris and I talked a little bit last night and I was able to (without tears) send a response to the clinic this morning. As always, they were gracious and supportive and I can't wait to get back to them!

I also found out about another local clinic that has openings for a clinic study so I'm looking into that. I love our clinic, but this doctor is a lot more specialized. And because the potential for getting free treatment is really attractive right now.

The negative for today was a literal negative. I caved and took a test--partially so that I could have a St. Paddy's day drink guilt-free. I was afraid, because of yesterday, that I would be a mess after getting a Big Fat Negative. But as it turns out...I'm okay. Disappointed, sure. But okay.

I guess this goes to show that infertility is a day to day battle. One day is okay, the next not so much. And then...it's back to okay. And that is fine. Normal, even, because infertility is a cycle that way. Hope, grief, hope, grief. The hard part is that you can't ever quite get passed it, no matter how "together" you have it.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Email

I got an email this afternoon from the fertility clinic, just checking in to see how things were going. At first it made me smile, because they're awesome, but then it made me sad. There has been a lot going on and it was just the final straw.

Next month will be two years since I lost my first baby. My brother and his girlfriend are having a gender reveal party in a couple of weeks. Everything is on hold for us. AF should be here in a few days. My June due date is getting closer and closer and our chance of a 2015 baby are getting smaller and smaller. There's family drama too. Day to day stress.

And now, I have to write an email to the clinic and tell them that we're doing okay but things are still on hold.

That one little thing makes me so angry and sad. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being stuck in this situation and not being able to do a damn thing to change it.

I stand by what I said yesterday--it doesn't define you. But damn I want this to stop. I want to have my child and move. the. hell. on.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Infertility Doesn't Define You

You are a dreamer, with that secret (or not so secret!) Pinterest board that you pin to every day. Waiting, hoping, wishing.

You're a walking, talking health food store with your vitamins, supplements and superfoods. You're a lab rat with your medications and injections. You might as well have some kind of honorary degree in fertility.

Internal ultrasounds are a piece of cake. You've had more than you care to remember. Egg whites will always have another meaning.

Tests are bought in bulk--with Dixie cups. You might even keep them to compare day to day, with the date and time carefully written on the handle in Sharpie.

You have your responses memorized for every possible comment, announcement or question from anyone. Your poker face could win you millions, if you knew how to play.

Your regular calendar doesn't matter nearly as much as the one the clinic gives you or your chart. You think in cycle days, not dates.

Your husband has learned more than he ever cared to about the workings of the female body--and has been trained to be perfectly accommodating during baby makin days. He is getting to know a whole new you on fertility meds.

You've seen so many negative tests and positive cycles ending in AF that you hardly even grieve anymore. Because you're used to it. Sometimes you don't even test, because why waste it?

But you know what? These quirks and experiences don't define you. Infertility doesn't define you.

You know what does?

Strength
Courage
Persistence
Faith
Hope
Passion
Commitment

These are the things that define you.

It doesn't mean that you won't have bad days, or question why. It doesn't mean that you can't or won't cry on the way home from that baby shower or unfollow a friend on Facebook. It doesn't mean that you'll respond graciously every time someone asks you "The Question" or gives unwanted advice. But you are so much more than those times. You are so much more than this fight.

My beautiful friends, don't let this define you. It will challenge and change you, but don't let it define you. There's a difference, and sometimes I struggle to see it too. But I'm trying, and I encourage you to do the same!

Repeat after me: I am strong and courageous. I am persistent, passionate and committed. I am full of faith and hope that I will be a mother--whatever it takes.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

TTC Thursday: Halfway

For once, this two week wait is flying by. It's been a weird week, I guess!

We've mostly been occupied with job hunting. Chris spent hours applying for a job last night that would be great for multiple reasons, and he has a potential "in" with the company, but it is supposedly a highly sought-after position that they usually fill from within. So we'll just have to wait and see. I have a potential opportunity myself that I'm waiting on, which has would allow me to work from home full time and have really good benefits. So basically? We're still waiting. Life is totally on hold--but hopefully it will be worth it!

That's what we always say about infertility right? That it will be worth the wait. I'm glad for that hope, but I am so over just waiting. It's exhausting!

So anyway. Two week wait. Today is halfway--7dpo. I feel pretty well normal, and I'm hoping that I don't have a repeat of last month. Five days of spotting before AF even showed up is just stupid. I do actually have tests now, but I don't plan to use them just yet. I don't have that many and I feel like making them last is probably a good decision.

So that's where we're at. Still waiting, as always!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Pursuit of Purpose {Days 3 & 4}

To read Rachel's original Pursuit of Purpose posts, click here.

Today I'm going through days 3 and 4 of the Pursuit of Purpose series! We're back to those defining events in our lives when we felt broken.

Mine are:

  • Miscarriage & Infertility
  • Leaving home & damaging my relationship with my parents. 
  • Breakup with my first serious boyfriend. 
While each of those things has the potential to be positive, the default response is negative. There's no argument that each of these events have been hard. Devastating, even. But the problem is that the negative responses to these events affect many areas of our lives. The idea is that if we shift our thinking, these events can start to mold and shape us in a positive way. 

The first step is to identify the negative beliefs and "stories" we use to interpret these events. 

Then, we make the shift. What is a more positive story for these events?

And then, we get rid of the old way of thinking. We literally crumple it up and throw it away, choosing to reframe these events and to stop letting them hold us back. 


TTC Thursday: This & That

Sorry I've been quiet the last few days! Chris and I have been in a bit of a funk--after finding out that he didn't get the job he interviewed for, he got hit by a nasty stomach bug! (I, fortunately, emerged unscathed) We've had quite a bit of upheaval in my family lately as well that I have been trying to sort through. And we're both job hunting.

So now that I have a free minute...

Ovulation is...hopefully just around the corner. Today would be great! It's already day 15 and I know it's coming but it just hasn't gotten here yet. I'm positive that stress is a contributing factor so I'm doing my best to stay calm and relaxed. I've been exercising more (more for me constitutes more than once or twice in a week) and trying to avoid sweets.

I decided to bite the bullet and try soft cups with preseed this cycle to see if the "poor man's IUI" works for us. So far so good, but we'll see!  That is a whole other post, by the way. I wanted to get through a whole fertile period before posting though. So that's coming next week.

And I have some exciting possibilities for the blog that I'm exploring. Stuff like product reviews and giveaways, so stay tuned!!

That's all I have for now, I just wanted to let you know that I didn't fall offor the face of the earth in the last few days! ;)

Friday, February 27, 2015

marriage + infertility

I read a post recently about infertility and marriage, and how it's okay to not have a "perfect" relationship.

I agree with that. My husband and I have had an especially rough few months and I'm not sure that it's going to get easier any time soon. It's just the season of life that we're in at the moment.

But what I didn't agree with is the idea that by not talking about the hard stuff, you are leading people to believe (or attempting to) that your marriage, despite infertility, is perfect. We avoid talking about the bad stuff because it puts a damper on the "perfect" image we want to put out there.

Personally, I'm not a fan of airing dirty laundry in public. Especially when it comes to my marriage. I talk about a lot in this space, but grievances in my marriage--even related to infertility--will never be one of them. I don't do that with the intention of "hiding the truth". It is no secret that infertility is hell on a relationship. But I do believe that there are limits and that some things need to stay between my husband and I where they belong.

That said, I do think that it is possible to talk about how infertility affects relationships in a respectful way, without getting into "dirty laundry" territory.  And should we be having that conversation? Yes. Absolutely.

That happens to be on my agenda, and so I'm putting out a request. If you have any questions for me on this topic, please let me know and I'll put together a Q&A or series. You can let me know in the comments, find me on Instagram (@girlryanneblog) or Facebook or you can email me: girlryanneblog@gmail.com.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you!