Wednesday, November 25, 2015


With today being Thanksgiving Eve, I thought I would share the things I'm thankful for this year! I'll be honest--this year has been easier than the last two. In 2013, my due date was fast approaching (December 13th), and in 2014 I had just lost my second baby (October 30th) and my grandfather in July.

This year, my heart still hurts. I still struggle with empty arms, the passing of another year trying, and the fact that we're spending another Christmas without children--or even the promise of a baby. That's hard. It makes it really difficult to be thankful. But that's exactly why I'm posting, because I don’t want infertility to win!

So here is my list. It's certainly not all-inclusive, but it's a good representation. 

  • My husband. He has been my rock. Super cheesy, I know, but he is the person that keeps me grounded and helps me stay realistic (like when I decided we were going to get passports, tickets and jet off to Europe in a month's time. He reminded me that we have the opportunity to be debt free if we didn't do that AND we could spend more on the trip if we waited). He is incredibly supportive. He works hard. He makes me laugh. When he loves on our furbabies? Be still my heart. He's going to be such a good dad. (Hopefully sooner rather than later) And the man can cook! And he vacuums! 
  • The furbabies. Jaye and Kinley are the best. Even when they make me crazy, I feel their unconditional love every single day. Their snuggles make everything better, and they make me laugh daily. 
  • Our family and friends. Their support and encouragement has been invaluable. 
  • Our nieces and nephew. Those kids are the best and watching them grow is amazing! 
  • Our jobs. We're fortunate to work for companies and managers that are understandable and flexible. And to have coworkers that are great fun to work with!
  • Our home. Our favorite corner of the world. 
  • The fact that we're really close to being debt free (apart from our house)! We don't have a lot if debt but we don't want any so what we have is really grating on us. 
  • The infertility community. There is so much love and support from this group and I'm proud to be apart of it! In a situation that can feel so isolating, it is very comforting to have women that understand! 
  • The little things. The latest episode of The Walking Dead with my husband. Laughing until our sides ache at the antics of the British Top Gear guys. Discovering a new author I love. Journaling. Snuggling with my little family on a weekend morning. Chai Apple Cider. Chocolate. Making a new recipe and have it be a hit. My new candle from Target (Autumn Harvest or something like that. It smells wonderful, that's all I know!) Lunch with a friend. The sky on my way to work. 
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? 

Friday, November 13, 2015

Authenticity in Infertility {Guest Post}

Hey! I'm guest posting over at Amateur Nester today talking about remaining authentic and honoring your limitations during fertility treatment. Have a look below!

PC: Amateur Nester & Boss Fight
My story is pretty typical. Girl meets boy, girl and boy tie the knot, and a few years later…it’s time to have a baby. And that’s where we got stuck. In 2011, when I went off the pill, the idea that we would still be trying after nearly four years wasn’t on my radar. And the idea that we would be talking about stopping treatment? Well, that was unthinkable. As it is, that is exactly where we’ve ended up. When I look back at the last few years, I get the sense of it being a battlefield. My dreams, hopes and plans are strewn about—stomped on and broken. I’m still standing, but I’m exhausted and bruised. And I have to wonder, where do we go from here?

{Read More Here}

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Hello November

And just like that, October is gone. Yikes. Where on earth did time go this year? I could swear time is going by faster and faster.

We got our holiday hours for my job, information about the Christmas party, and I'm talking to my sister about getting here the weekend before Thanksgiving to go dress shopping for her wedding in September. Because suddenly we have a time crunch that none of us anticipated. But that's a whole other post. Long story short, the holiday season is already here, and 2016 is just around the corner. Like I said. Faster and faster.

Have an amazing rest of your weekend everyone!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

To My October Baby

To my October baby:

A year ago, two pink lines and a blood test told me that you were here. 

A year ago I was counting the days until I could see you on the ultrasound screen, feel you kick, give you a name, and hold you in my arms. 

A year ago, I was grateful to be exhausted and overjoyed when my taste buds didn't seem to work right. 

A year ago I was picturing what you would look like and be like. I had visions of your first Christmas and how awesome it would be if you and your daddy shared a birthday. 

A year ago I was thinking about how different life would be in a year. 

I wasn't wrong. Life is different, but not the way I pictured. 

I was never able to see you dance on the screen, or feel you move, give you a name, or hold you in my arms. 

My symptoms faded and I started to feel normal. 

Your daddy's birthday came and went, and as Christmas comes it just feels wrong without you. 

For reasons that I will never understand, I had to let you go. I will never forget that day, as your daddy cried on the phone with his best friend, your "uncle". He wanted you so badly, just like I did. A year later, I miss you. I want you here. I wanted to be your mommy. 

I loved you before I even knew you existed. I wanted you before you were here. And I'll miss you for the rest of my life. I hate that I never got a chance to know you, to see what kind of person you would have become. I'll always wonder if you would have looked like me or daddy, and if you and Kinley would have been best friends. I hate that I don't know anything about you. But even so, I feel your absence every day. 

A year ago you were born into Heaven. At least, that's what I picture. You with your sibling--my April baby--and all your grandparents that are already there. I picture so much love there that I know that you're in a good place. But I'd still rather have you here. 

Miss you little one. 


Tuesday, October 27, 2015


Ugh. I'm totally out of my groove with blogging lately.

Truth be told, there's not a whole lot happening. We just kind of are right now. And maybe that's a good thing.

Because no matter what happens with this part of my life, the rest of it still goes on. And I can either let it go on without me, or embrace it fully. Meeting it right where I am.

I find myself waiting. Feeling like the life I want has to wait for my fertility-challengedness to be resolved. Except that isn't true. I know it, and I need to put it into practice. Because no matter what, I still only have one life. You still only have one life. We can't waste it on waiting.

Friday, October 16, 2015


You guys!!

I have been feeling really frustrated with my doctor's office since I got my test results at the beginning of the month. I called earlier this week and tried to get some clarification on their policy for starting Lovenox, but was left feeling like I didn't get anywhere.

They said originally that they would not start Lovenox until after an ultrasound at 6-8 weeks and saw a heartbeat. My concern was that in both of my previous pregnancies, neither of them got that far. With two consecutive losses, MTHFR and Factor V Leiden I felt like 6 weeks would be too late.

So I bugged and kept asking why, because I didn't feel completely satisfied with the anewer I was getting. And yesterday I got a surprise call from the doctor's office! The doctor explained their concerns--the desire to wait until the location of the pregnancy is confirmed and the concern about excessive bleeding in the event of an emergency. I understand the need to determine the location of the pregnancy. The risk of bleeding is different. If I start blood thinners and a miscarriage happens anyway, the risk is there no matter if I start it at ovulation or 6 weeks.

In the end, the plan for now is that I will call when I get a positive test and inform the front desk that I need to start blood thinners and need an ultrasound at 5 weeks. And that's what we'll do. In the meantime, I am considering a consultation with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist to get a second opinion on how much my diagnosis if MTHFR and FVL are affecting my fertility. But for now it's something.

Readers, do you have any experience with MTHFR and FVL and Lovenox? Success stories? I'd love to hear about it!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

We Remember

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today we remember out little ones gone far too soon.

My Facebook and Instagram feeds are filled with candles and pictures memorializing babies from all over the world. It's beautiful and heartbreaking to see so much love and so much loss side by side.

At 7pm, no matter what your time zone, light a candle and take a moment to honor your babies.

If you are remembering little ones today, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child--no matter what age--is devastating. It changes you. And while in some ways it gets easier, there are still times when the hurts feels as raw as it did at the beginning. I am so sorry that you have to live with that. It's the worst, I know.

And if you are honoring babies today that were not your own, thank you for standing with us and acknowledging our loss. The hardest thing is feeling like you are the only one who remembers that your child existed and mattered. Your support means everything.

And to my babies, I miss you. I hate that I'm lighting a candle for you instead of having you here. Today I wish more than ever that things had turned out differently. Love you little ones.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Test Results | I am an Overachiever

So yesterday I found out that my body is an overachiever when it comes to clotting. It does that job too well, thanks to a genetic mutation called Factor V Leiden, and another one called MTHFR. Okay, so I already knew about the MTHFR but I didn't realize how much of an overachiever I actually am until I found out that I have two issues instead of one.

So yeah. This means that hormonal birth control and hormone therapy aren't in my future. It also means that when I get pregnant I'll be on Lovenox injections. In the meantime, baby aspirin is my BFF for avoiding those nasty blood clots.

I am doing lots of reading and research on both MTHFR and Factor V Leiden and on how they relate to each other, infertility and miscarriage. I plan on blogging more about these in the coming weeks so stay tuned!

Happy Friday!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Hope for a Rainbow

PC: Natalia Karpovovy & Elena Gennenko 
Can I just say how much I love this? Chastity from Every Child is a Blessing: The Journey Through My Pregnancy posted it on her Facebook page and it went viral. I've seen it posted several times and I thought I'd share it here too.

Posts like this just show you how many people have been affected by infertility and miscarriage. This simple photo has gone viral, reaching thousands and thousands of people with the message that there is hope. How amazing is that?!

It easy for us to be bitter and angry about this place we're in. It's easy for us to lose hope. And I don't think that any of us could be blamed for that reaction, because infertility and loss take so much out of you, and because the reality is that not everyone gets a rainbow baby at the end of it.

But it's better to have hope. Isn't it? Don't misunderstand--I have some terrible days when I just hate the entire fertile world. But on the rest of the days, I would rather have hope than just assume that I'll never get the outcome I want.

So hang on, friends. This too shall pass.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Perks of Being a Non-Mom

On this Saturday night, I'm having a night to myself at home. Just me and the furbabies. Husband is out at an Oktoberfest with a friend and he and I are going again tomorrow. It's nice. And quiet.

I took a detox bath along with my shower
this morning.
I got to binge on Friends.
I finally watched a documentary on Netflix that I've been meaning to.
The laundry is almost completely done.
My living room is tidy and picked up.
Leftovers from last night are labeled and in the freezer.
My meal plan is in the works.
I'm enjoying a glass of wine.
And a sports bra is as close to being presentable as I'm going to get today.

Can I make a confession? I love it. 

For all the trying and waiting and hoping for messes and noise and neediness...I still really like this too. I'm aware that at some point I'll be wishing for this again, because it's what recharges my batteries. And sometimes, knowing how much of herself my mom lost in being a mom, I wonder how I'll deal. I wonder if I'm actually cut out for all that sacrifice, because this is so nice.

Do you ever feel that way? Like you're so used to being on your own that you won't know what to do with yourself when it changes? You know, when you can't sleep in on the weekends anymore and you switch from doggy accidents to little people puke. And since there are no "take-backsies" in parenthood, it's something I feel like I should think about.

Eh. Cross that bridge when we come to it, right?