Friday, January 23, 2015

What Now?

Thanks for all the love yesterday. You guys are truly amazing and I am so grateful for each of you! After a good vent and too much chocolate, I feel a little better.

The question I've been asking myself is, "what now?"

At first I was all for stocking up on cheap ovulation tests and trying the Sperm Meets Egg Plan hardcore. But then I started wondering if that was really what we wanted and needed right now.

We kicked around the idea of applying for jobs out of the area, meaning that we'd have to move if that happened. We talked about how stressful things have been in the last month. I asked whether we should try again on our own or take a break...and I didn't get an answer.

I don't have the answer either.

I dropped it, and last night we were watching a movie that sparked an idea for something I'd always wanted to do, so I wrote it down. And another idea, and another. As of this morning, I have about 14 things that I want to try and accomplish this year. Some are really vague ideas, other are tiny little things--like that book I want to read again and that movie I've never seen but always wanted to. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't put "have a baby" on that list. (Let's be honest, that is a really bad thing to put on a bucket list anyway because it's something you have absolutely no control over)

As I wrote last night, and again this morning, I started to get a clear picture of what I want. I want to feel vibrant, full of life, and energetic. I want peace. I want to fall in love with myself. I want to glow and feel sexy. I want to live with purpose and intention.

I have been so focused on this one aspect of my life for a long time. I've given it everything and at this point, I'm burnt out. I'm starting to question whether or not we should keep trying. I'm starting to forget why we started this in the first place--it has become more about "winning" and "beating" infertility than about building our family because we simply want to.

So now it's time to bring back some balance, starting with a break. Financially, we don't have a choice so this is really a great time to step back. I'm not sure how long it will last or how much charting I'll end up doing, but I do know that I'm going to focus more on my bucket list than on getting pregnant. That doesn't mean I'm going to be dropping off the face of the planet. Oh no. I'll be here, and at Fertility Authority and even over at BlogHer. Only instead of cervical fluid and ovulation tests I'll be talking about how I'm reclaiming myself from infertility and bringing back some balance and spark into my life while I wait for the right time to try again.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

TTC Thursday: Denied

Today was supposed to be test day. Instead, I'm waiting on Aunt Flo. Negative tests+spotting=No BFP for me. Again.

There really aren't any words. I'm feeling really defeated today. Defeated, angry, heartbroken.

I have to believe that this is not for nothing. It can't just be for nothing. So no matter how badly I want to just walk away and forget that all this ever happened, I won't. I can't.

But it might take a little bit to get back up.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Fertility Authority Announcement

Good morning! I don't have any news about our cycle. Or the job. There haven't been any developments there in the last 24 hours.

But I DO have big news!!

I am blogging for Fertility Authority! If you are unfamiliar, Fertility Authority is a website devoted to compiling the latest fertility research, as well as commentary from doctors and bloggers. They are the backbone behind Fertile Thoughts, one of the bigger fertility/infertility related forums out there. Anyway, yours truly is now going to be featured on their website every once in awhile, and I'd love for you to check it out! Full disclosure--if I get enough page views in a month, I get paid. So every single one of you that clicks the link to my blog helps out and I SO appreciate it!

Here's a taste of my first post:
"I stood in my bathroom around Thanksgiving three years ago and tossed my pack of birth control in the trash. My husband and I had decided that we were ready to start our family.
Little did we know that three years later we would still be waiting. I've actually been pregnant twice, and miscarried both. We've now moved on to medications, ultrasounds, injections and IUI from just charting and trying on our own. If you had asked us where we thought we would be in three years when we started, we would have probably told you that we would have a toddler and be pregnant or trying for our second. Infertility wasn't even on our radar..."
 You can find the full post on my Fertility Authority blog page!

Thanks for reading friends!